This Xmas is Not My Best.

Im jus going to go right to the point. My bf and I (ex) broke up xmas eve and now it is xmas day. Even before that, I wasnt really into the xmas spirit. It just feel too old and boring for me. Everyone is happy which is ok. But im not. Im too mad to b in the spirit. Anyway. I made this one short thru my phone. Merry Xmas Everyone.

A place where my heart can lay.

Did I ever tell u that I met a guy who is so sweet to me and he is so kind? If I havent, im telling you now. His name is Jesus Olivarez. He so cute and so atletic that he will shaken ur boots with sports. And when u see him in person his eyes r something else! U can swim in dem eyes if u wanted to. One thing thats a little..idk what to call it...is that hes Mexican. There is nothing wrong with that at all. Im jus surprised that I might like a full mexican Man. All I dated were black men and @ one time black boys. Overall Jesus...is someone to consider. This time tho, im going to take it slow. Dont rush it Jessica!

Why R We Together?

Sometimes I wonder why my bf and I r together...i wish he can be more compasionate and more patient... But i cant change him to a person he doesnt want to b. Idk wat 2 do anymore. But one thing is for sure; i dont want to feel miserable for the rest of my life! Like how i do now when he is with me. We make up, but then it just feels wierd. Mayb its a sign. (mayb i talk to much). All i know is that I Love him..but not in love with him. Not any more @ least.

My Trip To San Diego: Part 4/FIN

Well we r getting ready to leave san diego..and we had some progress me and my bf and we talked about what we need and what was the right thing to do for me. I still need to grow. And i still need time. He sayed iam to young (which i am naiive to get it thru my head). If God wants us 2 b together, im sure he will keep us together. However, the more I spend time with him, the more it seems like hes not the right guy for me. Hes a great guy...but maybe not for me. It hurts but it might be true. I should b concentrating on God and school. Thats what is improtant. We r still together as I speak...but its always wierd between me and him. Oh well...it wasnt meant 2 b i suppose...

My Trip To San Diego: Part 3

We r now in the mall..and it seemed so odd this time because we werent holding hands and being all gooled eyes and that was different frm our past experience going out. So when me and him went to Panda Express, i told him how I partly felt. and he listened and explained more, in detail, why we r the way we r now. And every time he explains it to me, it gets more and more easier to understand what is going on. Which this means progress. We will talk about it more when we get back to the hotel. Overall, things seem to b ok. It seems to go as God sees fit. :) now I just have to wait till we get back to the hotel. Pray for me.

My Trip To San Diego: Part 2

We r now heading 2 San Diego..mayb 15 min more till we get there. While my bf is sleeping on my shoulder, I start txtin my friend (twin) about whats going on. She doesnt like how he treated me. And thats understandable. Who wouldnt like him after wat he did to me. He honestly dont deserve me. But as a Godly woman and how kind Iam, im giving him a chance. Mean while, there r some things he showed me bout him I didnt like. And idk if I want to live with that my whole life. But who knows...only God.

My Trip To San Diego: Part 1

Im having an ok experience with my boyfriend going to San Diego. (by the way=btw; im on my cell phone so im going to be typing like if I were to be txting. Bare with me :) lol) My boyfriend and I had our first actuall talk about what was going on. and it got me thinking and @ the same time, it got me sad. I understood what was going on and I understand what he was saying to me. However it did still bother me. He felt bad that he was changing me and thats why he acted the way he did. which I was sad about. He still loves me as a person but @ the same time he wanted me to be jus like him...and im not. Not naturally. On and on, it was a great talk and a great start to what we wanted to do in the future. Actually we decided to start over and get to know each other without changing one another. Cause Ultimately, only God can change us. He made us.

I Think I dont love him No more

...I really feel hurt...really hurt that I cant love him no more. I'm at my point. I cant stand him right now...and I dont want to be with him no more...He doesnt deserve me...He doesnt deserve me at all. It took awhile for me to understand but I think God is trying to tell me something. I can continue to love him..Or I continue to be hurt...My choice.

...Ugh! I really dont want to Love him no more.
(Keeping yall posted)

....~sigh~ He's home..:(

My worst fears...My worst thought. Hes home. My anger grows...and my sadness increases, while my love is fading. I'm not sure If I want to see him. Its like everything I am saying to him..is being tested by him. idk...its driving me nuts. I say one thing and he makes a smart remark saying, "I thought you knew me?" I almost jumped through my phone and almost choked him to death!

    Ugh...I guess I have to just wait for him...Saturday is when he comes to my house...I'm not ready. But I dont want to be rude either.

Oh man...He's coming soon

He's comign home soon...And I feel like I dont want him near me. Like I feel happy that he is coming back home to see his family and thats great!..However, I'm not sure if I am ready to see him. Does he even deserve my love anymore?

    I showed my love and he hurted me so bad..SO BAD that I dont even trust him. I dont think about him as much anymore, and I dont even want him around me.
There is another Part of me that wants to stay...I dont know why, I just want to stay to see what happens. And thats what him and I are doing. We are now figuring out if we are "Meant" to be together.

   I have my opinion about that. Why start a relationship and not know if you want to be with that person? Thats what he did to me. If you're going to tell me after almost 2 yrs of being together, that I MIGHT not be the right one? What kind of crap is that?! You should've known this in the start of our relationship, not at the point of my love is growing for you. I want to slap him, Punch him, and just leave.

  I wish i wouldnt love so hard...I wish I can just be normal...(emotional wise). I guess thats just me. I will soon know..I will soon know if we are meant to be together. Through God, we will find out...I'm scared, but we have to do what we have to do...

I Try and Try...

I try so hard to be the greastest most unbelieveable girlfriend (Future wife) I can be since a very young age. And for some reason, I can't find a guy who is willing to be with me and Love me for me. It all happened when I was 13 years old. I thought I was in love. I was with a man of God and he left me to be with someone else. I never cheated on him and I only been faithful to him. But my heart was aching when he left.

    Then I went out with another guy a year ago. Athletic, cute, smart, funny, A little on the quiet side. However, I loved that about him because I'm shy myself and I can honestly say that I was happy with him. I moved to California however and I got Baptized in Jesus Name and then filled with the Holy Ghost. When I told him what I have done to get closer to God, we werent on the same page. And he didnt understand the meaning of getting closer to God. In short, he wasnt so thrill when I got saved. He then became too "clingy" to the point where my family didn't see me much..AND I WAS IN THE HOUSE! So I broke up with him.

I was then blessed with a wonderful man as of today. Man of God, great person, loves music just as I do. There are somethings about him that just prick my nerves sometimes. But I still love him and there is going to be some things that I won't like. However, even after this...I feel..not Worthy...or not good enough for anyone. I know these things take time, but when will I find my love? I believe I honestly found him (The man I am with now) However, he doesnt feel the same. So we both decided to leave it to God. Which is the right thing to do.

I'm just tired of proving things to someone I know i'm in love with. I know I want to be with him, I KNOW..but he doesn't. Why? I have no clue. What am I chop liver!? I just wish people..or someone..can understand me and Love me...with no doubts. (I honestly can't stand men who dont know what they want...it just bothers me).

Overall, I love him...I know i'm in love with him. But now I have to wait on him to Love me back the way I love him. Don't get me worng, he loves me...But not as much as I do. And it hurts me dearly to know that we are not on the same level. God if you can hear me, give me peace of mind. Let me know what I can do...What should I do...wait? Wait till you show me what I need to do? Or should I just take it in my own hands and do it myself?...I think I should wait. Because I can't let him go..Honestly...

MTV's 'Teen Mom' documentary Trailer

Teen Moms? Children having children. Why does this happen? Some say its because the parents Are TOO strict. Some say they are not strict enough. It has become such a norm for young girls that are 14 and up to start having kids that in reality we are making TV shows about it!? (Now dont get me wrong, these are bundle of joys coming into this world and people make mistakes. I also watch this show a lot to see how it would be like to have kids at a young age). However, this is taking a risk of younger girls that are 12 years old and up to have kids. Why are they even having sex!? Its called...*Theme music* MEDIA!

Media controls almost everything a child hears, see, and maybe even want to taste. However, now-a-days you see TOO many of these type of shows that might even influence Younger children to have children. Maybe some younger kids would learn from this if they havent already. But why risk showing something that shouldnt even cross a childs mind till she/he is at the age of 25 at least?

Maybe the parents need to monitor what the child listens to or even watch because this is getting out of hand. Its ok to make mistakes and having children is the BEST thing to have in your life. However, having children is a responsibility...If you cant even clean your room when your parents ask you to, what makes you think you are responsible enough to take care of another child? It can be hard...A child under 18 shouldnt have to go through something like this. However, if you are in this situation, Its ok ^^ do the best you can to raise your child.

Keri Hilson - Breaking Point

Love

A Special World
A special world for you and me
A special bond one cannot see
It wraps us up in its cocoon
And holds us fiercely in its womb.

Its fingers spread like fine spun gold
Gently nestling us to the fold
Like silken thread it holds us fast
Bonds like this are meant to last.

And though at times a thread may break
A new one forms in its wake
To bind us closer and keep us strong
In a special world, where we belong.

- Sheelagh Lennon -


Love. Can anyone really define what Love means? How is it suppose to feel? Why do people fall so hard for this word...LOVE?

    Some people believe that love can take them out of dark places that they are in. Some search for it and sadly, never obtain it. Most, in todays time, abuse this word to the point where no one can really believe in love.

   Well I'm not going to tell you how to obtain it. Or how it should feel. However, I can tell you what it is NOT and maybe what It could be. 
Love is not hate. Love is not a abusive relationship where you are beaten, verbally or emtionally abused. Love is not SEX and most importantly, Love is not confusion.

Love is Patience, time, Understanding, commitment, Talking (Calmly), and Most importantly it is a Spiritual base love between you, the person you are with, and God.

All these things that Love is and is not, Some will never really understand or even comprehend what the TRUE meaning of Love is. Love can also be an obstacle and it is healthy for you and the relationship to go through some things with the person you love. Thats why it is so hard to Obtain..because no one wants to get hurt in the process.

  So, if you want to have the right love, you might have to take a chance. You never know; some are blessed to be in love the first time.

Unexpected Sorrows: Family

Sometimes in life, you go through things that are very unpredictable. Maybe even things you do not deserve to go through. And this can be anything to love, hate, happiness, sorrow, and anything else you can think of. Why does these things happen? What is the purpose of suferring when you know you do good in your life? 

     I been through a lot over the years and I believe I do not deserve these..unexpected suffering. Actually NO ONE deserves it. However, these unexpected situations makes us grow stronger even when we dont understand why. Or even when we do not want to go through them. Some try to avoid the truth; Some embrace it. It really starts with in yourself. This is where family comes along.

   Your family is always there for you and always will be with you. Yeah there are some family members who are just plain...silly crazy. lol. Some are smart, Most are Loving. And some..we really dont talk to just because you never met them before. Overall, When you go through things that hurt you, you have family that is there that will help you. Besides, thats what family is there for.

    In my own experience, My family are very close. There are some that dont talk to each other because...of things that happened in the past. When I was growing up, on my dad side of the family, there was only love. (Of course they fought...thats what family do). Every Thanksgiving or any holiday all the families will come together and laugh, play, even fish out the back yard. However, all of that changed cause an UNEXPECTED event happened. After that, most of the family stop talking to each other just because of it.

   It saddens me because the family use to be so loving to one another. Now, everything has changed. Everyone is on thier own. So now, when one of the family memebers goes through tribulations, most of them do not say a word to one another...some dont even help. But there is always that ONE family memeber who will say..."You know what, You're blood...and I should be able to be there for you when you need me. No matter what happend in the past."

    In conclusion, Family is very important in your life. Even when you never met them..or even if something happens. Be there for your family. Because you never know what might happen...and maybe one day...you want to say "I Love You" to one of them...and then they are no longer here in this world....Regret, hurt, and sadness will overcome you..and thats when your UNEXPECTED sorrow comes into play...

Love That We Had

 The Love is fading

That we created

Because you cant choose

Between Us and You

You hurt me once

You hurt me twice

When will it end,

This childish Fight

Is it me, Is it you

Or is it the girls that keep coming through?

My Love for you is surely fading

Because now I'm angry

At your senseless questions.

Its Hard for me

Its Hard for you

But that doesnt mean you can throw my heart away

I want to hit you

Maybe even kick you

But in the end

I'm still in Love With You.