I try so hard to be the greastest most unbelieveable girlfriend (Future wife) I can be since a very young age. And for some reason, I can't find a guy who is willing to be with me and Love me for me. It all happened when I was 13 years old. I thought I was in love. I was with a man of God and he left me to be with someone else. I never cheated on him and I only been faithful to him. But my heart was aching when he left.
Then I went out with another guy a year ago. Athletic, cute, smart, funny, A little on the quiet side. However, I loved that about him because I'm shy myself and I can honestly say that I was happy with him. I moved to California however and I got Baptized in Jesus Name and then filled with the Holy Ghost. When I told him what I have done to get closer to God, we werent on the same page. And he didnt understand the meaning of getting closer to God. In short, he wasnt so thrill when I got saved. He then became too "clingy" to the point where my family didn't see me much..AND I WAS IN THE HOUSE! So I broke up with him.
I was then blessed with a wonderful man as of today. Man of God, great person, loves music just as I do. There are somethings about him that just prick my nerves sometimes. But I still love him and there is going to be some things that I won't like. However, even after this...I feel..not Worthy...or not good enough for anyone. I know these things take time, but when will I find my love? I believe I honestly found him (The man I am with now) However, he doesnt feel the same. So we both decided to leave it to God. Which is the right thing to do.
I'm just tired of proving things to someone I know i'm in love with. I know I want to be with him, I KNOW..but he doesn't. Why? I have no clue. What am I chop liver!? I just wish people..or someone..can understand me and Love me...with no doubts. (I honestly can't stand men who dont know what they want...it just bothers me).
Overall, I love him...I know i'm in love with him. But now I have to wait on him to Love me back the way I love him. Don't get me worng, he loves me...But not as much as I do. And it hurts me dearly to know that we are not on the same level. God if you can hear me, give me peace of mind. Let me know what I can do...What should I do...wait? Wait till you show me what I need to do? Or should I just take it in my own hands and do it myself?...I think I should wait. Because I can't let him go..Honestly...
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Jess...you don't know me well yet, but I'll let you in on something before we get down to REAL cousin business. I am a truth teller. I don't hold back. Especially where the people I love are concerned.
ReplyDeleteThere is so much wrong with this post. So much! First of all a boyfriend at 13 and faithful is insane. You were a baby and had NO BUSINESS putting yourself into such a position. Really. Fast forward, you are still too young to be trying to take on such an adult role in a relationship - ESPECIALLY BECAUSE IT IS NOT RECIPROCATED. How strong is your faith? If it's as strong as I believe, do you believe in blocking your blessings? That is what you are doing by holding on to someone that does not return what you need. You are in essence giving this person complete control over you and that should NEVER be. NEVER! Since you are so dead set on being with a man (why you base so much of that on your existence, I don't understand) then you should be with one that deserves you and that returns your feelings. Not somebody that has to play catch up with you. I'm basing that on the statement you made: "But now I have to wait on him to Love me back the way I love him. Don't get me worng, he loves me...But not as much as I do. And it hurts me dearly to know that we are not on the same level." You are better than that. I'm not just saying that because I'm your cousin either. I'm saying that because from the sounds of it, you have a lot of love to give and aren't afraid to give it. Stop compromising your whole self for something you aren't even sure of.
I hope it works out for you, but not to the point of you losing control of something you can never get back. Because what will happen is when the RIGHT one does come along, you will be so damaged, you won't even see him.
Yeah. I know it could be dangerous to put myself in a Adult role when I was so young. I believe I wasnt growing too fast. Thats where my mind and emotions are. Unfortunately I'm not going to be fake with my emotions. Its in me to Love...I didnt ask for this, but I have it. So I have to deal with it and just be true to who I am as a loving person. Yeah I can be foolish with him..and I might even be ensane for staying with him. But I know that something is wrong with him heart wise...and if I'm not with him as a soulmate, then I truly believe I'm here to teach him how to love..and that he cant always control a women to love him. To teach him patience and kindness. And to be more Understanding. Maybe this is a obstacle I must take. I'm already in the relationship...I might as well finish it in some way or form. I'm either going to be ok..or Im either going to be cursh...cursh to a better person and a better understandment of what I need...and what I want in Love itself.
ReplyDeleteI think it's beautiful that you know who you are already. I really do. I hope that you can find someone that has that same outlook on life and love because with the right person it can be the most beautiful experience in the world. I'm on your side and want this for you very much so.
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